My angel up above

this woman right here will forever  be my hero. People say time heals everything, but i am still waiting for that day.. it may be 3 years this year on May 6th. But crap doesn't it feel like it was just yesturday we losbirthday was . The day i lost her is the day i lost a little part of me. 

my grandmother was as crazy as a shit house rat. she was the crazy glue that held our nutty family together. she do anything for anyone. she may do anything.She would find a way to get whatever or do whatever. But as soon as you crossed her, shit would hit the fan. Nooo one wanted to be on the end of that stick. it was NOT a pretty thing... 

every summer we'd take a family trip to the beach, and just walk the whole thing. We'd come back with mason jars full of shells, and sea glass. Or if it was Zack and Nana, they'd come back with jars filled half full of water with crabs in them fighting... why it was so amusing to them, i dont know. or we'd go to bar harbor and just spend the day there walking around taking pictures. summer time was her favorite time of year. the whole family would get together and sit outside by the fire while Zack and Autumn would catch lighting bugs, or us kids would wrestle. 

those are the days i wish i could go back to. It breaks me inside little by little each day, as i remeber all the things, i will never get to do with her agin. Or even all of the things we planed on doing together now. our borbirthday was weeks apart, and we'd always set a weekend to have a big birthday bash family dinner together. It was always an event.. i just wish i could have one last hug, one last laugh, one last talk, one last picture, or just one last phone call. 

"Why do you have a rock in your purse!?"

Its not just a rock, its a prayer rock. This is what i held in my hand and my grandmothers hand while i prayed for her to wake up and act like herself. I prayed and prayed for her to pull through. I cried, screamed, kicked, ran, slept, trying to exscape the pain i was facing. This rock, has always been in my purse sense day one of her leaving this world. When i have an off day, i take it out and just hold it in my pocket. Its just a small reminder that she is still with me. 

i love you forever and always Nana. Take it easy, tell gram and grampa i love them. I'll see you someday, just not right off.

18 dresses later....

HCTC cancled today, just means I have a few more hours to sleep in. Then I got up, and realized it's Friday and we have a half day. And I decided it's only two hours of school, so it's pretty pointless to go. Mom had the day off, and so didn't my aunt, which only means SHOPPING! Oh and my cousin autumn over slept so She came with us, and then my uncle decided he wanted to go. Family shopping day it is! 

We finally get to the mall, head into deb's an literally I try on TWELVE dresses and didn't like any of them.(Yes, I'm picky I know) and at that point I was pretty bumed I didn't find anything. then we went to David's Bridal or Henry's where I tried on 6 more dresses on and none of them were what I wanted. Until mom jokingly handed me this big puffy purple dress thinking I'd hate it, bit I put it on and instantly fell in love. I tried a few more on after, but nothing compared to the purple one. Mom and Auntie knew that was the dress as soon as I walked out of the dressing room. I tried it on three more times to make sure, I walked out to show my uncle and cousin and the loved it too. Nothing was changing my mind about that dress. I hate puffy dresses but this one I don't know what it was but I fell in love with it. But let me tell ya, five hours of trying on dresses that weight as much as me is a long day. Successful day, but a long one.

Nothing will ever change

Honestly, the only thing I wanted was your time, But seeing how pathetic you are I want nothing from you. I hate the fact that you always have made up some lame excuse about why you can't see me. When I just found out a few years ago you literally live less then five minutes away from me! What the heck is up with that!? If I absolutely wanted to I could come see you, but I am your child I should not have to be the one to make all the effort to have you in my life. You say you'll always come see me. But oh that's right your married again. To a chick who hates me because I tried to contact you to have you in my life again. And She had enough balls to say to me "if you want money from your father you can forget about trying to talk to him" and you had nothing to say to that. You really have a backbone now don't ya? Can't even tell a 5' women not to speak to your kid like that. But what do you care? You only started to care when I called her a b*tch and told her where to go and how to get there. Because I wasn't going to listen to some random chick telling me what to do. But what i love is she has two kids that aren't yours, and you parent them like their yours. You have four other kids not including me. Why don't you man up for once in your life and take care of us. Oh that's right, you don't know what its like to actually take on a responsibility. You're still a child, you will never grow up!!

"You take care of yourself" ah, excuse me, I  have been for years now. I do not need you to attempt to make Me feel as if  you care. I was AWLWAYS hopping for more out of you when I was younger. But after that blow up we had. I realized that I'll never have a father. You are honestly nothing more then a waste of space. I may have said what I needed to get my point across, But I still will not be able to let go of pain you've caused me. Along with all the resentment I have for you.

Some people you can forgive, But you are one person who I will never be able to forgive.

my momma

This women right here, i call mom. she is honestly the olny person i trust more than anyone. No matter what i tell her everything. Some things she would rather me keep my mouth shut about, but i don't care. I am so much like her that it is crazy. I am picked out ofher butt, people call me Sarah Jr. ALL the time! She has always tought me never to give up on something you want the most. She has raised me and my younger brother by herself because both of our fathers cut ties and walked. But that didn't stop her from raising us on her own and providing for us. My mom is a full time CNA, and I'm following right behind her. She's has pushed me to keep going forward to get my RN after high school, mom has always said "if you want something don't give up when it gets hard, grow a backbone and get your a** in gear!" She has always wanted the best for me. And if I ever need anything she's always there to help me and make sure everything gets smoothed out. But there are some days She puts her foot up my a** worse than nnormal, but it only makes me get things accomplished faster.

She always gives me advice on things, I may not take it right off because there is that ever so slim chance I may be right.. But nine times out of ten she's right... I hate admitting she's right because I always get "see, I told you so!" That honestly drives me insane when She says that. But when it comes down to who's right it's always a fight. I mean neither one of us wants to be wrong because then we have to admit it. But if iI absolutely don't feel like trying to prove my point then I'll just agree (doesn't happen often). But oh well, I still love her the same.
She is my hero, my biggest supportor, my best friend, and most importantly my mother.